Delusions of Resolutions

This Post originally appeared on A Montage of Writers

So, it’s that time of year again…resolutions out the wazoo, few (if any) of which I will manage to keep. This year, I’m going easy on myself. Since I never keep any of them anyway, perhaps a little reverse psychology is in order.

Resolution number one: I resolve to eat at much junk food as I possibly can.  I will become Nabisco chairperson of the board simply by the number of Oreos that I consume by the end of 2015. Ice cream is a food group, and middle-aged women need extra calcium. Pizza has ALL of the basic food groups, so why eat anything else?

Resolution number two: I resolve to never exercise again and will instead direct the lives of my family from the comfort of my bed. I will be waited on hand and foot by my loving children and my husband like a benevolent Jabba the Hutt, dispensing advice and locating lost socks and missing school ID’s with the power of my mind.

Resolution number three:  I resolve not to make a budget. Like the Pirate Code, it’s more like guidelines, anyway.  The grocery allowance is of much more realistic use as a restaurant allowance, and the utility companies make tons of money. They don’t need mine. I’m sure they’ll understand.

Resolution number four: I resolve spend as much time on the internet as possible and solely communicate with family members via tumblr wars and eCards. If you need me, you can find me on Twitter or Facebook.  I will have my iPhone surgically attached to my hand so I can be contacted day or night via Messenger.

Resolution number five: I resolve to drink more Caffeine, which is my overlord and Starbucks is the center of the universe. I will never sleep again, lovingly contemplating the mysteries of coffee in all its forms as often as possible in between cases of Diet Coke, as the rest of the world slumbers like losers.

Yeah, that should do it. Now excuse me while I wash these Oreos down with a Caramel Macchiato.